October 11, 2020 4 min read
Kat’s Rainbow Baby Story
My husband and I got married back in May 2018. We already had a 4-year-old little girl and knew we wanted to add to our family as soon as possible.
We started trying in the October, but things proved to be a little bit more difficult than when we conceived our daughter. We were trying for months with little success, and we resorted to taking ovulation tests. It had been a hard time, with months of tears and confusion over why we weren't having any luck. I eventually fell pregnant in February 2019 and we were over the moon.
I'd booked my appointment with the midwife and was so excited, but I started to experience some pains in my leg. It was unusual and the only time I had experienced something similar was when I was in labour with my daughter, and the contractions were in full swing. I tried to ignore it and was planning on how to tell our daughter she was to be a big sister, but that night I went to the toilet and notice some dark discharge. I tried to stay calm and tucked my daughter in bed before having a chat with my husband. We were straight onto Google trying to work out what it could mean and got mixed results from implantation bleeding to possible miscarriage.
That night the pain in my legs got worse and I rang 111, they weren't sure on the connection and thought it could be nothing but as I was only around 6 to 7 weeks pregnant it was hard to tell. I got up the next morning to go to work, ignoring my discomfort and panic, however, on the drive in I had to ring 111 again as the pain was worse. The doctor advised I go straight to A&E, so after driving home, ringing my parents to take my daughter to school and a quick trip to hospital, I was a mess. Pregnancy tests were still showing as positive, but I had stomach tenderness and the bleeding was continuing.
I saw the early pregnancy team the next day who did a scan but they couldn't see anything. They took some bloods and I had to go back in 2 days to see what my hormones were doing. In the back of my mind I knew I was losing the baby, but I kept holding onto any piece of hope that it was in there, maybe it was too early for a scan or it was hiding. When I got the phone call from the hospital to say my hormones had decreased from the baseline sample, and they confirmed I was having a miscarriage.
I remember feeling so heartbroken. I rang my husband from home and just broke down. I had to put a brave face on for my little girl, but all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and hide from the world. When the miscarriage kicked into full gear the pain intensified. I knew it would be uncomfortable, but this was another level.
I remember going out for my daughters 5th birthday to Cadbury World and having to hide my tears from her and act all happy. I tried so hard to move on from my sadness, but some days it would rear up and slap me in the face. It took months to properly move on and longer for my body to recover.
We continued to do ovulation tests, and at this point I had also been diagnosed with a faulty ovary (polacystic), but in July 2019 I had a positive ovulation test and 2 weeks later a positive pregnancy test. We were excited but it seemed a little bit dulled this time, like some part of us didn't want to get hopeful in-case we lost it again. I had an early scan as I was so anxious, trying to put our minds at ease.
Morning sickness was a blessing this time round, I was glad to feel crappy as I knew that meant baby was growing. We told our family and daughter we were expecting when we had our 12-week scan, and everyone was ecstatic.
Something I didn’t expect to find hard was when nurses and doctors asked me how many pregnancies I had had. I started saying 3, 1 successful, 1 loss and the current one, but always doubted if I should mention my loss. Over time I stopped correcting them when they said two or just mentioned my daughter and the current bump.
I also found it strange how after my loss and talking to other ladies I knew, how many of them had also had a loss. So few people talk about it openly, when it would help other women so much to know how common it is. My son was born on the 25th April 2020, healthy and safe. My rainbow baby in many ways with it also being lockdown. I will always remember the 28th March though, the day I was told I lost my little one. It’s hard to forgot that date even 18 months on, I still cry when I remember what happened, but that's OK. It just reminds be how much that baby was loved even if we didn't get to meet them.
During baby loss awareness week #BLAW2020 we will be sharing stories from those who have experienced loss. The inspiration behind Ruby and the Rainbow is our Rainbow Baby Ruby. Through our brand and our work, we want to support awareness of baby loss and support those who follow in our footsteps. If you have a rainbow baby story that you would like to share. Please do get in touch. We really want to show how common baby loss is and how it can have such an impact on parents. It's not spoken about enough and not understood by those who haven't experienced it.
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