October 10, 2020 6 min read
Please note this person chose to keep her rainbow baby story anonymous.
On October 2016 those 2 lines appeared, and we couldn’t be happier, our second child was on the way. Our thoughts turned to how we would keep it a secret from our 3-year-old.
Fast forward a couple of weeks we had a well-earned week off work, we had gone shopping around 1.5 hours from home & we talked about how we wouldn’t buy anything until 12 weeks on the way and how our children would be 18 & 21 in the same year and man that was going to be an expensive year. I got out the car on arrival & it happened; I started to heavily bleed, I instantly cried I knew what was happening.
We ran to the toilet and I called my mum she told me it would be ok (I knew deep down it wouldn’t be) I went to Tesco to get sanitary pads. My partner asked if we should drive home I said no, what was the point nothing would change. I cried all day on and off. On the way home I called 111 and they advised me to go to the doctors tomorrow unless I experienced pain then go to A&E. I called the doctor the next day and got an appointment. All my hopes clinged to this appointment, hoping they would tell me it was all ok.
I walked in and they asked me to give a urine sample, which I did. The doctor dipped it & said (this has never left me) you’re not pregnant its negative. He was not sympathetic in any way; my world was falling apart I cried and cried and cried more. I returned to work on the Monday still bleeding and telling nobody. It felt like a lonely place to be.
We then spent the next two years trying for a baby, it was not to be. We had lots of tests as I had a rough delivery with my daughter & there were complications, nothing ever came back.
In 2018, we made the decision to go down the fertility route. We started treatment and in May we were having a fresh transfer with a grade A embryo (we had 8 in total the other 7 of which were frozen). We then had the dreaded 14 day wait. I got up at 4:30am on test day I couldn’t sleep, took the test and BAM 2 blue lines, I immediately woke the other half up. It was finally our time!!! We were so excited.
Two weeks later (at six weeks pregnant), I started to spot, after googling the hell out of it I realised it can be normal, phew! Although inside I was worried, I kept trying to convince myself it would be ok. I woke the next day to bright red blood, I knew, it was happening all over again. I rang our clinic they got me an emergency scan the next day. I had to have an internal scan as it was so early. The sonographer said I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat. I was absolutely devastated how could this be happening again?
I was so angry with the world and questioned what had I done to deserve this? Nobody understood not even my closest friends, not one person. I felt so alone.
I went back to work again as if nothing had happened (nobody really knew we were having treatment except a couple of friends I felt embarrassed that my body wasn’t working like it should)
In August 2018, we had a frozen transfer booked. At the start of the process, they have to defrost the embryos, the day of the transfer I got a call from the embryologist “I’m sorry it’s not looking good for this embryo can we take another out?” We of course agreed.
When we arrived at the clinic, we went through all the questions and necessary assessments etc. and were given a gown ready to go to theatre. We were then asked a question we never expected- do you want both embryos putting in? Erm both? We only had 1 the other didn’t survive did it? This was never something we had discussed as we were always just having 1 put back. Apparently, it did survive but only just. My partner asked what the chances for each embryo were, the second one was given a 50% chance, we knew this one was being used whatever our decision. The first 1 5% chance. We asked for a minute to discuss and were given literally minutes maybe 5. We both agreed 5% was a very small percent and we couldn’t throw “it” away we had come all this way. Since we had lost two babies too many, to throw one out of choice away didn’t feel like the right thing to do.
We had to wait for two agonising weeks AGAIN, I knew all the signs of pregnancy for me after all I’d been pregnant 3 times already. I thought I felt pregnant but did not want to get my hopes up.
Testing day arrived and I was up very early again this time I had both digital tests and the line ones. I took the digital as after a lot of research these seemed to be the most accurate- waited for the result - PREGNANT 1-2 weeks YES it had worked! But almost instantly my anxiety kicked in, I wasn’t an anxious person, but man this was seriously worrying stuff. I had to make it past 6 weeks that was my goal! (This is where I lost both my others) I also had a scan booked just after 6 weeks with the clinic.
After about a week in I started to spot, and I thought to myself, here we go again. I was beside myself, I had my first panic attack, my partner had to physically grab my wrists and talk to me to calm me down. I was in such a state. I managed to get a blood test to check my HGC levels the results said they had increased, so this should have put me at ease, but it didn’t I awaited the bright red blood.
I spoke to my friends, but I could tell they were sick of hearing about it, their faces said why can’t you just be happy that you’re pregnant? But they didn’t know what it was like, they had never lost a baby they had never felt how crushing it is.
I made it to 6 weeks and the next day was my scan, I was so nervous I wanted to be sick. My parents were on holiday they text me and said I must call them after my scan. Once again, I had to have an internal scan it was the same sonographer, I closed my eyes and I heard the words there’s the heartbeat! My partner grabbed my hand and held it so tight. I just sobbed happy tears and then the words & there’s the second heartbeat! Erm second!!!! I looked at my other half we were both crying!
The next few hours I was on cloud 9 it was surreal, not only were we finally having 1 baby, but we were having 2! We were told one had 5% chance how had we been this lucky. The next 6 weeks dragged, I wanted to tell the world but was also so scared about every twinge. My back ache was bad and this was a sign of my miscarriages previously. With every twinge, I convinced myself I was losing my babies over and over, but I made it to the 12-week scan and was told both babies were healthy, at this point I screamed it to the world!
I finally got to tell people our beautiful news. This didn’t stop the worry though, I then worried the whole way through my pregnancy. Especially whenever I felt that I had reduced movement, I was convinced that having more children wasn’t going to happen for us. But sure enough at exactly 37 weeks pregnant I gave birth to 2 more beautiful girls.
To this day I know exactly what date I lost my second and 3rd pregnancy and I’ll never ever forget those feelings and our very hard emotional journey to get our double rainbow!
During baby loss awareness week #BLAW2020 we will be sharing stories from those who have experienced loss. The inspiration behind Ruby and the Rainbow is our Rainbow Baby Ruby. Through our brand and our work, we want to support awareness of baby loss and support those who follow in our footsteps. If you have a rainbow baby story that you would like to share. Please do get in touch. We really want to show how common baby loss is and how it can have such an impact on parents. It's not spoken about enough and not understood by those who haven't experienced it.
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